Chapter Twelve
"What for?" Her tone was cautious.
Cassian's hand rubbed the back of his neck as he stated, "You... You know. Back on Eadu. You accused me of trying to kill him. Your father. I don't deny that. But.. I'm glad in the end I didn't go through with it. And on the ship..... well, it was worse when we argued." His voice trailed off, and by then his eyes were trained on the stars above, looking anywhere else but at her.
Jyn realized he was asking for her forgiveness. He had never properly apologized for what he had done, until now. For an instant a twinge of anger twisted within her. Did she want to grant it to him? But the red within faded as her rational mind reasoned through the pain, told her to see past it. To be mad at Cassian, it wouldn't do her good now, especially since they had worked together and brushed by Death in each others' arms.
She knew his persona had been icy, cold, calculating. He had always been masking himself in a poker face that she, or others, couldn't read... but over the past days the atmosphere had changed. There was a part of Cassian's personality that suddenly, wasn't a description of those negative words. Her world had nearly been a lie from the beginning. With so many people that had driven spikes in her heart, twisting it in wretched ways, it was hard to see that the man next to her was anything different. Yet a small part of her whispered that if it hadn't been for him, she would have been dead. Physically and emotionally.
On Jedha, as Jyn stared emptily into the space where the pale hologram of her father had last flickered, the city crumbling around her, she had wanted to perish along with the rest. Fade into dust, like the girl she had saved in the crossfire, or perhaps ashes, what would have remained of Saw Gerrera, metal cage and all. But Cassian had stormed in, panic shifting into urgency as he dragged her out, yelling at her to move instead of waiting like an animal for slaughter. He had believed her, even when he had reasons not to, and went even further to call reinforcement for the battle on Scarif. When Krennic had tried to end Jyn's life and take her down with him, Cassian's last effort had been to ensure the blast that came from his weapon would not miss its mark. She thought back to a few days ago. If he hadn't prevented her mad run to the ship, the stormtroopers would have ended her right then and there due to her desperate folly.
He waited apprehensively, looking up above. Cassian knew he had treaded on dangerous ground. But he had wanted to close the rift between them, because the guilt and discomfort was getting the better of him. He didn't dare meet her eyes, because he feared if he did, he'd see a fierce hatred targeted at him, reignited by the words he said. As if to confirm his negative sentiment, she hadn't replied to him. In the abyss of his mind, fear struck him. Emotions were complicated to handle for his mind that had been programmed to think logically. Cassian wasn't keen on learning what lay behind that insecurity.
"If you don't want me around anymore, then I understand. I'll leave." The ground crumbled under Cassian's feet as he started to walk away.
"Wait." The one syllable that hung in the air was raw, exposed. It made him stop in his tracks. "I still want you around."
Had he heard her right? He could do with one of K2's whacks right now. Cassian turned around, looking at her. Jyn slowly walked over to him until she was face to face with him, only standing an arm's length away.
"You're an idiot."
That he expected from Jyn Erso.
But her next words, unlike her, were a far cry from usual tone, uncertain and hesitant. "You..... you still believe in me. I already told you I wasn't used to people sticking around. And yet...."
She met his eyes, and something like a small smile emerged on her face. She let a moment of silence pass between them as she looked right through him like an X ray machine, and then stated, "you'd better not lie to me again. I don't want a repeat of what happened."
Cassian didn't even realize he had been holding his breath as he waited for her answer. His mind was no longer in a whirl, now calm and still. Jyn had forgiven him. He looked down at the ground and tried to hide his own smile.
No I won't. Not to you.
"We'll have to be up early tomorrow," Jyn stated crisply. She brushed past Cassian, towards the shelter. "Get some sleep."
She left him with the stars, Cassian looking after her as she disappeared to join Chirrut and Baze.
Cassian's hand rubbed the back of his neck as he stated, "You... You know. Back on Eadu. You accused me of trying to kill him. Your father. I don't deny that. But.. I'm glad in the end I didn't go through with it. And on the ship..... well, it was worse when we argued." His voice trailed off, and by then his eyes were trained on the stars above, looking anywhere else but at her.
Jyn realized he was asking for her forgiveness. He had never properly apologized for what he had done, until now. For an instant a twinge of anger twisted within her. Did she want to grant it to him? But the red within faded as her rational mind reasoned through the pain, told her to see past it. To be mad at Cassian, it wouldn't do her good now, especially since they had worked together and brushed by Death in each others' arms.
She knew his persona had been icy, cold, calculating. He had always been masking himself in a poker face that she, or others, couldn't read... but over the past days the atmosphere had changed. There was a part of Cassian's personality that suddenly, wasn't a description of those negative words. Her world had nearly been a lie from the beginning. With so many people that had driven spikes in her heart, twisting it in wretched ways, it was hard to see that the man next to her was anything different. Yet a small part of her whispered that if it hadn't been for him, she would have been dead. Physically and emotionally.
On Jedha, as Jyn stared emptily into the space where the pale hologram of her father had last flickered, the city crumbling around her, she had wanted to perish along with the rest. Fade into dust, like the girl she had saved in the crossfire, or perhaps ashes, what would have remained of Saw Gerrera, metal cage and all. But Cassian had stormed in, panic shifting into urgency as he dragged her out, yelling at her to move instead of waiting like an animal for slaughter. He had believed her, even when he had reasons not to, and went even further to call reinforcement for the battle on Scarif. When Krennic had tried to end Jyn's life and take her down with him, Cassian's last effort had been to ensure the blast that came from his weapon would not miss its mark. She thought back to a few days ago. If he hadn't prevented her mad run to the ship, the stormtroopers would have ended her right then and there due to her desperate folly.
He waited apprehensively, looking up above. Cassian knew he had treaded on dangerous ground. But he had wanted to close the rift between them, because the guilt and discomfort was getting the better of him. He didn't dare meet her eyes, because he feared if he did, he'd see a fierce hatred targeted at him, reignited by the words he said. As if to confirm his negative sentiment, she hadn't replied to him. In the abyss of his mind, fear struck him. Emotions were complicated to handle for his mind that had been programmed to think logically. Cassian wasn't keen on learning what lay behind that insecurity.
"If you don't want me around anymore, then I understand. I'll leave." The ground crumbled under Cassian's feet as he started to walk away.
"Wait." The one syllable that hung in the air was raw, exposed. It made him stop in his tracks. "I still want you around."
Had he heard her right? He could do with one of K2's whacks right now. Cassian turned around, looking at her. Jyn slowly walked over to him until she was face to face with him, only standing an arm's length away.
"You're an idiot."
That he expected from Jyn Erso.
But her next words, unlike her, were a far cry from usual tone, uncertain and hesitant. "You..... you still believe in me. I already told you I wasn't used to people sticking around. And yet...."
She met his eyes, and something like a small smile emerged on her face. She let a moment of silence pass between them as she looked right through him like an X ray machine, and then stated, "you'd better not lie to me again. I don't want a repeat of what happened."
Cassian didn't even realize he had been holding his breath as he waited for her answer. His mind was no longer in a whirl, now calm and still. Jyn had forgiven him. He looked down at the ground and tried to hide his own smile.
No I won't. Not to you.
"We'll have to be up early tomorrow," Jyn stated crisply. She brushed past Cassian, towards the shelter. "Get some sleep."
She left him with the stars, Cassian looking after her as she disappeared to join Chirrut and Baze.
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