Chapter Nineteen
"That went well," Jyn spoke, sharp and bitter. Shadows and shafts of sunlight sliced through the ground, dancing away from Jyn's feet ahead of her. She kicked the ground, dust rising in small clouds and resettling a few feet away.
"Don't look so down Jyn," Bodhi said as soon as she had emerged into the open. "I know what happened with the plans was unfortunate. But what matters is that we did our best. And we lived to tell the tale! Never thought I'd get to see the light of day again!"
Jyn looked up, giving Bodhi a grateful look for trying to cheer her up. But he doesn't know everything. He was lucky in some ways, having to not worry about so much. She shot a sidelong glance at Baze and Chirrut, who had been mostly silent this whole time. Not very talkative? I feel the same way.
"I don't know what to do now," Jyn spoke aloud, crestfallen. She thought nobody had heard her, until a voice rang out before her like a clear bell.
"The best thing you can do is to stop complaining and do well with what you've been given." Jyn looked up from the ground to see the brown eyes of Cassian looking straight at her. She felt herself heat up. Not in embarrassment at getting called out by him, but in maddening annoyance. She matched his look evenly, eyes on target, undaunted by his gaze. She was going to kill him.
"How are you Bodhi?" Cassian shifted his attention to greet the pilot with a nod. Bodhi let out a sigh. "Doing well. Just heard the bad news though, about the plans. At least we've been given jobs to do." Bodhi's voice became more cheerful as he went on. "I'll get to work with some new fighter jets called X wings over the next few weeks. I've flown U wings before, worked with some other aircraft, but never X wings!"
"Chirrut? Baze?" Cassian prompted. The taller of the two, Baze, spoke bluntly. "Not too bad, for now. Working in this.. med bay is something new, something different to try with new equipment."
"The patients will need help. The experience will be beneficial for us," Chirrut added in thoughtfully. "Good to expand our skills."
Cassian acknowledged their words."That's good." He glanced at Jyn, who had hung back and not said a single word, then looked out to the space in the hangar. There was only one pilot present. The others weren't there, probably on their morning coffee retreat. Cassian called to the lone pilot standing nearby. "Biggs! Time?"
A man in an orange jumpsuit looked up at hearing his name. He removed his helmet, which was emblazoned with a red Rebel Alliance symbol. Jyn could see the figure look at what appeared to be a watch. "Almost 10!" he hollered. He gave Cassian a thumbs up and a wave. "Good to see you Captain. Just going to get some supplies for this plane here. She needs a touch-up." Cassian returned Darklighter's greeting. "Good to see you too!" Darklighter's tiny grin was visible in the distance, and soon he disappeared until only 5 remained.
Briskly directing his orders to Chirrut, Bodhi, and Baze, Cassian told them, "You all can get started on your jobs. There's a lot of material to cover, wouldn't want you all to miss it. Chirrut, Baze, to reach the medical bay, you'll want to go back where you came, past the dining area. It's just down a hallway on the west side. Bodhi, you know where to go?"
Bodhi nodded. "Mon Mothma gave me instructions already."
As her new teammates walked away, Jyn thought she saw Bodhi look back at her quizzically, as if to ask, what about you? but she could no longer see him as Cassian's shadow fell over her.
His face looked carefully neutral as he looked down at Jyn. Cassian saw her eyebrows furrowed and mouth set straight. Something was wrong, so early in the morning? Stoicism shifted into amusement. "Is there something wrong?" Cassian asked naively. "Need someone to talk to?"
The eyebrows creased down further. "Something wrong, yes." Jyn grit her teeth. The two were standing close to the edge of the hangar. She grabbed his sleeve and starting pulling, trying to drag him closer to the steep verge. She considered tossing Cassian down the ravine, to watch him scrabble against the rock face and see if he could recover from yet another punishing fall. The mere thought of releasing her anger was liberating. But before she regain her grip on his sleeve and move another step, she felt his heels dig in the ground and his hand intercept hers, roughly swatting away her arm. So he knew her plan. He had predicted it before she had a chance to carry it out, her quickening pace an indication that a horrible incident would befall him if he didn't get himself out of harm's way. Swinging himself around back towards safety with an agile twist of the foot, Cassian snapped at Jyn. "What was that for?!"
Jyn stepped forward, her anger not yet spent. She bit back, "You told Mon Mothma I wanted to be a part of the Alliance! You're not me, how would you know what I want?"
"I did it for your own good!" Cassian retorted. "There's a war going on out there!" He wildly motioned towards the open space outside of the ziggurat. "Do you think you can just, leave and not care about the rest of us? Didn't you want to fight? What about Chirrut? What about Baze and Bodhi? Have you considered them? Have you forgotten that we're now Rogue One? " The stream of questions came, each new one starting to overwhelm Jyn with an additional layer of confusion and guilt that was slowly eating away her defensiveness.
He couldn't afford to falter now; Cassian had to extinguish the flames entirely.
"I spoke up for you, in front of the Mon Mothma," Cassian breathed harshly, voice intent. "Like you, she was set on letting you go. So you could be free like you asked. I spoke up for you, wanted you to stay, and this is how you repay me? I thought I had seen a different side of you Jyn, when we fought on that beach. A person with the strength to carry us through challenge to victory. Someone brave, someone who cared. Was I wrong about you? Was I??" Towering over her, almost nose to nose, Cassian's eyes were significantly colder, and someone Jyn didn't recognize was yelling at her.
The words stung. The exclamations he uttered had attested to her strengths, but were used within a negative context. Jyn sought to make a final attempt to have the last word, but whatever phrase she had been about to say slipped and faded. "I'm sorry, Cassian."
He had backed away, positioned away from her. His breathing had slowed, but his arms were crossed in front of chest. It was as if he had never heard her apology.
"I don't know what to think everytime I see you. How you'll act." His voice had become disappointed. "I thought it was likely Mon Mothma was going to tell you to do whatever you wanted during your time here. I was thinking of asking you if you wanted to learn something from me over the next few weeks." Cassian fixed Jyn with a look that matched his tone. "I think you should work with someone else. You need to learn what it means when people put their faith in you, before you make any judgements about them first."
Cassian left Jyn alone. The pilot Darklighter, had come back and was working on his ship, a grating wail from the mechanical whirring filling Jyn's ears, numbing everything. Early morning rays had disappeared behind clouds that only encouraged a chill to enter the base. The sky was framed by the clouds to look like jaws, and it seemed that when Jyn looked out to the open expanse before her, the world planned to swallow her whole.
____________________◇_________
Unsure now what to do, Jyn considered her options. Stuff herself with more food and drown cups of liquid like they were gin or whisky. Go back to her room and lay under the covers and pretend what had just transpired never really did. Idea 2 was more appealing. But somehow, her nagging mind followed what Cassian had said, and not long after she had stood waiting listlessly in the hanger stewing in her own thoughts, came Bodhi with the lead engineer.
In contrast to her dampened mood, Bodhi appeared enthusiastic, comfortable with his job. He had beckoned Jyn over and had tried to break her in to the process of repairing ships, to no avail. The most experience Jyn had working with mechanical parts was an attempt to fix a mangled astromech droid at age 17. Her skills were weak and uncultivated. She felt like an annoying weed simply in the way, and that feeling prevailed through the day's lesson. Things had gotten slightly better when Jyn threw herself into the work. If she couldn't help Bodhi with the big things, she could carry materials and supplies, call out to him if he was about to put in a part where she thought it didn't necessarily belong.
"You did good today," Bodhi told Jyn with an encouraging smile as they walked back towards the dining hall for dinner. "Don't think you don't know anything. You were a big help."
"Thanks," Jyn replied, though a nagging feeling continued inside of her. Was she really cut out for this? She shook her head, wanting to bury her doubt under a different question. An inkling of curiosity rose, wondering about Bodhi's background. Where had he come from exactly? She knew he had been a cargo pilot, but was that all he had been doing for the Empire?
Before she got the chance to ask, the sound of loud noise battered her ears. Turning her head to the source, again the chattering of people in the dining hall bothered her. She wanted to rest in her room instead. Maybe later she would ask Bodhi at a better time. Jyn veered away towards the elevator, telling Bodhi she wasn't hungry and wanted to sleep. He acknowledged her comment with a farewell, and the elevator took Jyn up and away from the weight of the day.
Breathing a sigh of relief, Jyn closed the door to her room and flopped onto the springy mattress. Before she had considered the bedding mediocre; today it was heaven. While staring up at the ceiling, Jyn pondered her current state. Stick with Bodhi for a while, see if she could get better at helping him... that would be her best option. There was also the question of her father and how he had met him in the first place. If she learned enough and could trust him, maybe they could even be friends.
You need to learn what it means when people put their faith in you, before you make any judgement about them first.
The thought reemerged in her head and Jyn wished Cassian's persistent voice away, though she had a feeling it would return again.
"Don't look so down Jyn," Bodhi said as soon as she had emerged into the open. "I know what happened with the plans was unfortunate. But what matters is that we did our best. And we lived to tell the tale! Never thought I'd get to see the light of day again!"
Jyn looked up, giving Bodhi a grateful look for trying to cheer her up. But he doesn't know everything. He was lucky in some ways, having to not worry about so much. She shot a sidelong glance at Baze and Chirrut, who had been mostly silent this whole time. Not very talkative? I feel the same way.
"I don't know what to do now," Jyn spoke aloud, crestfallen. She thought nobody had heard her, until a voice rang out before her like a clear bell.
"The best thing you can do is to stop complaining and do well with what you've been given." Jyn looked up from the ground to see the brown eyes of Cassian looking straight at her. She felt herself heat up. Not in embarrassment at getting called out by him, but in maddening annoyance. She matched his look evenly, eyes on target, undaunted by his gaze. She was going to kill him.
"How are you Bodhi?" Cassian shifted his attention to greet the pilot with a nod. Bodhi let out a sigh. "Doing well. Just heard the bad news though, about the plans. At least we've been given jobs to do." Bodhi's voice became more cheerful as he went on. "I'll get to work with some new fighter jets called X wings over the next few weeks. I've flown U wings before, worked with some other aircraft, but never X wings!"
"Chirrut? Baze?" Cassian prompted. The taller of the two, Baze, spoke bluntly. "Not too bad, for now. Working in this.. med bay is something new, something different to try with new equipment."
"The patients will need help. The experience will be beneficial for us," Chirrut added in thoughtfully. "Good to expand our skills."
Cassian acknowledged their words."That's good." He glanced at Jyn, who had hung back and not said a single word, then looked out to the space in the hangar. There was only one pilot present. The others weren't there, probably on their morning coffee retreat. Cassian called to the lone pilot standing nearby. "Biggs! Time?"
A man in an orange jumpsuit looked up at hearing his name. He removed his helmet, which was emblazoned with a red Rebel Alliance symbol. Jyn could see the figure look at what appeared to be a watch. "Almost 10!" he hollered. He gave Cassian a thumbs up and a wave. "Good to see you Captain. Just going to get some supplies for this plane here. She needs a touch-up." Cassian returned Darklighter's greeting. "Good to see you too!" Darklighter's tiny grin was visible in the distance, and soon he disappeared until only 5 remained.
Briskly directing his orders to Chirrut, Bodhi, and Baze, Cassian told them, "You all can get started on your jobs. There's a lot of material to cover, wouldn't want you all to miss it. Chirrut, Baze, to reach the medical bay, you'll want to go back where you came, past the dining area. It's just down a hallway on the west side. Bodhi, you know where to go?"
Bodhi nodded. "Mon Mothma gave me instructions already."
As her new teammates walked away, Jyn thought she saw Bodhi look back at her quizzically, as if to ask, what about you? but she could no longer see him as Cassian's shadow fell over her.
His face looked carefully neutral as he looked down at Jyn. Cassian saw her eyebrows furrowed and mouth set straight. Something was wrong, so early in the morning? Stoicism shifted into amusement. "Is there something wrong?" Cassian asked naively. "Need someone to talk to?"
The eyebrows creased down further. "Something wrong, yes." Jyn grit her teeth. The two were standing close to the edge of the hangar. She grabbed his sleeve and starting pulling, trying to drag him closer to the steep verge. She considered tossing Cassian down the ravine, to watch him scrabble against the rock face and see if he could recover from yet another punishing fall. The mere thought of releasing her anger was liberating. But before she regain her grip on his sleeve and move another step, she felt his heels dig in the ground and his hand intercept hers, roughly swatting away her arm. So he knew her plan. He had predicted it before she had a chance to carry it out, her quickening pace an indication that a horrible incident would befall him if he didn't get himself out of harm's way. Swinging himself around back towards safety with an agile twist of the foot, Cassian snapped at Jyn. "What was that for?!"
Jyn stepped forward, her anger not yet spent. She bit back, "You told Mon Mothma I wanted to be a part of the Alliance! You're not me, how would you know what I want?"
"I did it for your own good!" Cassian retorted. "There's a war going on out there!" He wildly motioned towards the open space outside of the ziggurat. "Do you think you can just, leave and not care about the rest of us? Didn't you want to fight? What about Chirrut? What about Baze and Bodhi? Have you considered them? Have you forgotten that we're now Rogue One? " The stream of questions came, each new one starting to overwhelm Jyn with an additional layer of confusion and guilt that was slowly eating away her defensiveness.
He couldn't afford to falter now; Cassian had to extinguish the flames entirely.
"I spoke up for you, in front of the Mon Mothma," Cassian breathed harshly, voice intent. "Like you, she was set on letting you go. So you could be free like you asked. I spoke up for you, wanted you to stay, and this is how you repay me? I thought I had seen a different side of you Jyn, when we fought on that beach. A person with the strength to carry us through challenge to victory. Someone brave, someone who cared. Was I wrong about you? Was I??" Towering over her, almost nose to nose, Cassian's eyes were significantly colder, and someone Jyn didn't recognize was yelling at her.
The words stung. The exclamations he uttered had attested to her strengths, but were used within a negative context. Jyn sought to make a final attempt to have the last word, but whatever phrase she had been about to say slipped and faded. "I'm sorry, Cassian."
He had backed away, positioned away from her. His breathing had slowed, but his arms were crossed in front of chest. It was as if he had never heard her apology.
"I don't know what to think everytime I see you. How you'll act." His voice had become disappointed. "I thought it was likely Mon Mothma was going to tell you to do whatever you wanted during your time here. I was thinking of asking you if you wanted to learn something from me over the next few weeks." Cassian fixed Jyn with a look that matched his tone. "I think you should work with someone else. You need to learn what it means when people put their faith in you, before you make any judgements about them first."
Cassian left Jyn alone. The pilot Darklighter, had come back and was working on his ship, a grating wail from the mechanical whirring filling Jyn's ears, numbing everything. Early morning rays had disappeared behind clouds that only encouraged a chill to enter the base. The sky was framed by the clouds to look like jaws, and it seemed that when Jyn looked out to the open expanse before her, the world planned to swallow her whole.
____________________◇_________
Unsure now what to do, Jyn considered her options. Stuff herself with more food and drown cups of liquid like they were gin or whisky. Go back to her room and lay under the covers and pretend what had just transpired never really did. Idea 2 was more appealing. But somehow, her nagging mind followed what Cassian had said, and not long after she had stood waiting listlessly in the hanger stewing in her own thoughts, came Bodhi with the lead engineer.
In contrast to her dampened mood, Bodhi appeared enthusiastic, comfortable with his job. He had beckoned Jyn over and had tried to break her in to the process of repairing ships, to no avail. The most experience Jyn had working with mechanical parts was an attempt to fix a mangled astromech droid at age 17. Her skills were weak and uncultivated. She felt like an annoying weed simply in the way, and that feeling prevailed through the day's lesson. Things had gotten slightly better when Jyn threw herself into the work. If she couldn't help Bodhi with the big things, she could carry materials and supplies, call out to him if he was about to put in a part where she thought it didn't necessarily belong.
"You did good today," Bodhi told Jyn with an encouraging smile as they walked back towards the dining hall for dinner. "Don't think you don't know anything. You were a big help."
"Thanks," Jyn replied, though a nagging feeling continued inside of her. Was she really cut out for this? She shook her head, wanting to bury her doubt under a different question. An inkling of curiosity rose, wondering about Bodhi's background. Where had he come from exactly? She knew he had been a cargo pilot, but was that all he had been doing for the Empire?
Before she got the chance to ask, the sound of loud noise battered her ears. Turning her head to the source, again the chattering of people in the dining hall bothered her. She wanted to rest in her room instead. Maybe later she would ask Bodhi at a better time. Jyn veered away towards the elevator, telling Bodhi she wasn't hungry and wanted to sleep. He acknowledged her comment with a farewell, and the elevator took Jyn up and away from the weight of the day.
Breathing a sigh of relief, Jyn closed the door to her room and flopped onto the springy mattress. Before she had considered the bedding mediocre; today it was heaven. While staring up at the ceiling, Jyn pondered her current state. Stick with Bodhi for a while, see if she could get better at helping him... that would be her best option. There was also the question of her father and how he had met him in the first place. If she learned enough and could trust him, maybe they could even be friends.
You need to learn what it means when people put their faith in you, before you make any judgement about them first.
The thought reemerged in her head and Jyn wished Cassian's persistent voice away, though she had a feeling it would return again.
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